.::Polaris's personal blog::. - Misc

Programming Humor

adi.hazman@gmail.com (polaris) — Tue, 06 Feb 2007 23:44:37 +0800

A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display.
While he was there, another customer walked in and went over to a cage at
the side of the shop and took out a monkey. 

He fit a collar and leash, handed it to the customer, saying, ''That'll be
$5000.'' The customer paid and walked out with his monkey.

Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said, ''That was a
very expensive monkey. Most of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why did
it cost so much?''

The shopkeeper answered, ''Ah, that monkey can program in C - very fast,
tight code, no bugs, well worth the money.''

The tourist looked at the monkey in another cage. ''That one's even more
expensive - $10,000! What does it do?''

''Oh, that one's a C++ monkey; it can manage object-oriented programming,
Visual C++, even some Java. All the really useful stuff,'' said the
shopkeeper.

The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a third monkey in a
cage of its own. The price tag around its neck read $50,000. He gasped to
the shopkeeper, ''That one costs more than all the others put together! What
on earth does it do?''

The shopkeeper replied, ''Well, I haven't actually seen it do anything, but
it says it's a consultant.''

Laughable Mathematics

adi.hazman@gmail.com (polaris) — Fri, 02 Feb 2007 13:08:09 +0800

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS

Smart man + smart woman = romance

Smart man + dumb woman = affair

Dumb man + smart woman = marriage

Dumb man + dumb woman = baby

OFFICE ARITHMETIC

Smart boss + smart employee = profit

Smart boss + dumb employee = production

Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion

Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

SHOPPING MATH

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

HAPPINESS

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.

To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand

her at all.

LONGEVITY

Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more

willing to die.

PROPENSITY TO CHANGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and

cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started
doing the

same thing to them at funerals.

Selamat Hari Merdeka!!!

adi.hazman@gmail.com (polaris) — Wed, 30 Aug 2006 12:58:01 +0800

MERDEKA!!! MERDEKA!!! MERDEKA!!!, Selamat menyambut Hari Kemerdekaan yang ke 49 buat warga Malaysia yg tercinta sekelian, hmm.. dah hampir 50 tahun dah kita merdeka ek.
hmm.. apala aku nak wat esok ek.. tatau lagi nih.. tadak planning lagi...

Dealova - OST Dealova

adi.hazman@gmail.com (polaris) — Thu, 27 Jul 2006 13:49:22 +0800

Really enjoy listening to this song, all i know is that it is a sound track for a movie or telenovela in Indonesia,
wonder who is the singer, does not matter then just enjoy it..

First Date

adi.hazman@gmail.com (polaris) — Thu, 13 Jul 2006 14:36:16 +0800

We have all had bad dates.....but this takes the cake !

This just tells you how tough it is to be single nowadays. This was on
the "Tonight Show" with Jay Leno. Jay went into the audience to find
the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had. The winner
described her worst first date experience. There was absolutely no
question as to why her tale took the prize!

She said it was midwinter... snowing and quite cold... and the guy had
taken her skiing in the mountains outside Salt Lake City, Utah. It
was a day trip (no overnight). They were strangers, after all, and truly
had never met before. The outing was fun but relatively uneventful
until they were headed home late that afternoon. They were driving back
down the mountain, when she gradually began to realize that she should
not have had that extra latte.

They were about an hour away from anywhere with a rest room and in the
middle of nowhere! Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which
she did for a while. Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and
slow going, there came a point where she told him that he had better
stop and let her pee beside the road, or it would be the front seat of
his car.

They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her
pants down and started. In the deep snow she didn't have good footing,
so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself. Her
companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and in deed
was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All she could think
about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the
situation.

Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation. As
she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks
were firmly glued against the car's fender. Thoughts of tongues frozen
to pump handles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage
her flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly apparent that she had a
brand new problem due to the extreme cold. Horrified by her plight and
yet aware of the humor of the moment, she answered her date's concerns
about "what is taking so long" with a reply that indeed, she was
"freezing her butt off and in need of some assistance!"

He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater
and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out
laughing. She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to
compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma..

Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced
with a real problem. Both agreed it would take something hot to free
her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal! Thinking about what
had gotten her into the predicament in the first place, both quickly
realized that there was only one way to get her free. So, as she looked
the other way, her first-time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee
her butt off the fender.

As the audience screamed in laughter, she took the Tonight Show prize
hands down... or perhaps that should be "pants down." .

And you thought your first date was embarrassing. Jay Leno's comment
"This gives a whole new meaning to being pissed off".

Stressed???

adi.hazman@gmail.com (polaris) — Thu, 22 Jun 2006 20:22:55 +0800

Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital.

One day, while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end.He sank like a stone to the bottom and stayed there.Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out.

When the Medical Director became aware of Mary's heroic act, he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as he now considered her to be mentally stable.

When he went to tell her the news, he said, "Mary, I have good news & Bad news.
The good news is you're being discharged because since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient,

I think you've regained your senses."

"The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hanged himself in the bathroom with the belt of his robe.

I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Mary replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry."

Chain Letter , a must read...

adi.hazman@gmail.com (polaris) — Thu, 08 Jun 2006 08:43:44 +0800

Hahahaha.. this one is really a good one, this is a must read to those who loved
to forward all those hoax / chain-letter(mail) and think they are going to be
rich or helping others.. read on..

I want to thank all of you who have taken the time and trouble to send me
Your damn chain letters over the past few years. Yes, thank you, thank
You, thank you from the bottom of what's left of my heart for making me
Feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy.

Because of your concern...I no longer can drink Coca Cola because it can
Remove toilet stains.

I no longer drink Pepsi or DR Pepper since the people who make these
Products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.

I no longer drink anything out of a can because I will get sick from the
Rat feces and urine.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked
With a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water
Buffalo on a hot day.

I no longer use margarine because it's one molecule away from being
Plastic.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a
Perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al
Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a stupid
Number for which I will get the phone bill from hell with calls to
Jamaica, Uganda and Uzbekistan.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant
Freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer date the opposite sex because they will take my kidneys and
Leave me taking a nap in a bathtub full of ice.

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have
Their recipe.

Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I
Forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five
Minutes. (Geez, the Al Quran did not mention it works that way!)

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl who is about
To die in the hospital (for the 1,387,258th time). !

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the
$15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their
Special e-mail program.

Yes, I want to thank all of you soooooooo much for looking out for me!

I will now return the favor.

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 1200 people in the next 60
Seconds, a large bird with diarrhea will crap on your head at 5:00 PM this
Afternoon and the fleas of a thousand camels will infest your armpits.

I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of a
Friend of a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend of my
Next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's 8th husband's 2nd cousin's 3rd
Husband's' ex-wife's mother's beautician!

A Managerial Lesson

adi.hazman@gmail.com (polaris) — Tue, 06 Jun 2006 12:09:05 +0800

Here is some real good stuff..... Enjoy reading it & learn from it!
It's a fine sunny day in the forest & a rabbit issitting outside his burrow, tippy-tapping on his typewriter. Along comes a fox, out for a walk.

Fox: "What r u working on?"
Rabbit: "My thesis."

Fox: "Hmm... What's it about?"
Rabbit: "Oh, I'm writing about how rabbits eat foxes."
Fox: "That's ridiculous! Any fool knows that rabbitsdon't eat foxes!"
Rabbit: "Come with me & I'll show u!"

They both disappear into the rabbit's burrow. After
few minutes, gnawing on a fox bone, the rabbit returns to his typewriter & resumes typing.

Soon a wolf comes along & stops to watch the hardworking rabbit.
Wolf: "What's that u r writing?"
Rabbit: "I'm doing a thesis on how rabbits eat wolves."
Wolf: "u don't expect to get such rubbish published, do u?"
Rabbit: "No problem. Do u want to see why?"
The rabbit and & wolf go into the burrow & again the rabbit returns by himself, after a few minutes & goes back to typing.

Finally a bear comes along & asks, "What r u doing?
Rabbit: "I'm doing a thesis on how rabbits eat bears."
Bear: "Well that's absurd! "
Rabbit: "Come into my home & I'll show u"

Scene: As they enter the Burrow, the rabbit
introduces the bear to the lion.
Moral:
IT DOESN'T MATTER HOW SILLY YOUR THESIS TOPIC IS; WHAT MATTERS IS WHOM U'VE AS A SUPERVISOR.
Management Lesson:
In the context of the working world:
IT DOESN'T MATTER HOW BAD YOUR PERFORMANCE IS; WHAT MATTERS IS WHETHER UR BOSS LIKES U OR NOT...

Narayana Murthy's views on staying late in the office

adi.hazman@gmail.com (polaris) — Mon, 22 May 2006 10:17:06 +0800

Got this in my Inbox, forwarded by a friend.., i have googled the web and founded who is this Narayana Murthy really is.. Narayana Murthy

It's half past 8 in
the office but the lights are still on...
PCs still running, coffee machines still buzzing...
and who's at work? Most of them??? Take a closer look...
All or most specimens are 20-something male species of the human race...
Look closer... again all or most of them are bachelors...
and why are they sitting late? Working hard? No way!!!Any guesses??? Let's ask one of them...
Here's what he says... "What's there 2 do after going home... here we get to surf, AC, phone, food, coffee.. that's is why I am working late...
importantly no bossssssss!!!!!!!!!!!
This is the scene in most research centres and software companies and other
off-shore offices.
Bachelors "time-passing" during late hours in the office just bcoz they say
they've nothing else to do...Now what r the consequences... read on...

"Working"(for the record only) late hours soon becomes part of the
institute or company culture.
With bosses more than eager to provide support to those "working" late in
the form of taxi vouchers, food vouchers and of course good feedback,(oh,
he's a hard worker... goes home only to change..!!).They aren't helping
things too... To hell with bosses who don't understand the difference
between "sitting" late and "working" late!!!
Very soon, the boss start expecting all employees to put in extra working
hours.
So, My dear Bachelors let me tell you, life changes when u get married and
start having a family... office is no longer a priority,
family is... and
that's when the problem starts... becoz u start having
commitments at home
too.
For your boss, the earlier "hardworking" guy
suddenly seems to become a
"early leaver" even if u leave an hour after
regulartime... after doing the
same amount of work.
People leaving on time
after doing their tasks for the day are labeled as
work-shirkers...
Girls who thankfully always (its changing nowadays... though) leave on time
are labeled as "not up to it". All the while, the bachelors pat their own backs and carry on "working" not realizing that they r spoiling the work
culture at their own place and never realize that they wuld have to regret
at one point of time.
*So what's the moral of the story?? *
* Very clear, LEAVE ON TIME!!!
* Never put in extra time " *unless really needed *"
* Don't stay back un-necessarily and spoil your company work culture which
will in turn cause inconvenience to you and your colleagues. There are
hundred other
things to do in the evening..
Learn music...
Learn a foreign language...
try a sport... TT, cricket.........
* And for heaven's sake net cafe rates have dropped to an all-time low
(plus, no fire-walls) and try cooking for a change.
Take a tip from the Smirnoff ad: *"Life's calling, where are you??"*
Please pass on this message to all those colleagues
And please do it before leaving time, don't stay back till midnight to
forward
this!!!

Seeing Things From A New Point Of View

adi.hazman@gmail.com (polaris) — Wed, 26 Apr 2006 15:23:23 +0800

A friend forwarded this nice story ... read on..

Imagine you are at the Airport..

While you're waiting for your flight, you notice a shop selling

shortbread cookies. You buy a box, put them in your travelling bag and then you patiently search for an available seat so you can sit down and enjoy your cookies. Finally you find a seat next to a gentleman. You reach down into your travelling bag and pull out your box of shortbread cookies.

As you do so, you notice that the gentleman starts watching you intensely. He stares as you open the box and his eyes follow your
hand asyou pick up the cookie and bring it to your mouth. Just then he reachesover and takes one of your cookies from the box, and eats it! You're morethan a little surprised at this. Actually, you're at a
loss for words. Not only does he take one cookie, but he alternates
with you. For every one cookie you take, he takes one.

Now, what's your
immediate impression of this guy? Crazy? Greedy? He's got some nerve?
Can you imagine the words you might use to describe this man to your
associates back at the office? Meanwhile, you both continue eating the
cookies until there's just one left. To your surprise, the man reaches
over and takes it. But then he does something unexpected. He breaks it
in half, and gives half to you. After he's finished with his half he
gets up, and without a word, he leaves. You think to yourself, "Did
this really happen?" You're left sitting there dumbfounded and still
hungry.

So you go back to the shop and buy another box of cookies. You then
return to your seat and begin opening your new box of cookies when you
glance down into your travelling bag. Sitting there in your bag is your
original box of cookies -- still unopened.

Only then do you realize that when you reached down earlier, you had
reached into the other man's bag, and grabbed his box of cookies by
mistake. Now what do you think of the man? Generous? Tolerant? You've just experienced a profound paradigm shift. You're seeing things from a
new point of view.

Is it time to change your point of view?

Now, think of this story as it relates to your life. Seeing things from
a new point of view can be very enlightening. Think outside the box. Don't settle for the status quo.

Be open to suggestions. Things may not be what they seem.
Have a great day.

Gmail email icon

adi.hazman@gmail.com (polaris) — Fri, 21 Apr 2006 17:37:33 +0800

have you ever wonder how to get gmail or yahoo mail icon such as below..

here's how.. point your browser to http://www.google.com, in the search box type "gmail email icon" then hit the search button, select the one with this key word "E-Mail Icon Generator" which linked to http://nexodyne.com/email/

Once there just type in your email id and select your email provider.. then hit the "Generate" button
within a few second your icon will be created.. follow the instruction on how to use/saved the icon..

4 simple question and a bonus question...

adi.hazman@gmail.com (polaris) — Thu, 20 Apr 2006 15:23:42 +0800

Below are four (4 ) questions and a bonus question. You have to
answer them instantly. You can't take your time, answer all of them
immediately .OK?

Let's find out just how clever you really are....

Ready? GO!!! (scroll down)

First Question:
You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What
position are you in?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Answer: If you answered that you are first, then you are
absolutely wrong! If you overtake the second person and you take his
place,you are second!

Try not to screw up next time.
Now answer the second question,
but don't take as much time as you took for the first question, OK?

Second Question:
If you overtake the last person, then you are...?
(scroll down)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Answer: If you answered that you are second to last, then you are
wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST Person?

You're not very good at this, are you?

Third Question:
Very tricky arithmetic! Note: This must be done in your head only .
Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it.

Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000 . Now add 30 .
Add another 1000. Now add 20 . Now add another 1000
Now add 10 . What is the total?

Scroll down for answer.....

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Did you get 5000?

The correct answer is actually 4100.

If you don't believe it, check it with a calculator!
Today is definitely not your day, is it?
Maybe you'll get the last question right....
....Maybe.

Fourth Question:

Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini,
4. Nono. What is the name of the fifth daughter?*

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Did you Answer Nunu?
NO! Of course it isn't.
Her name is Mary. Read the question again!

Okay, now the bonus round:

A mute person goes into a shop and wants to buy a toothbrush. By
imitating the action of brushing his teeth he successfully
expresses himself to the shopkeeper and! the purchase is
done.
Next, a blind man comes into the shop who wants to buy a pair of
sunglasses; how does HE indicate what he wants?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

He just has to open his mouth and ask...
It's really very simple.... Like you!

Bye-bye 2005, Welcome 2006

adi.hazman@gmail.com (polaris) — Fri, 30 Dec 2005 17:23:01 +0800

Well new year is in the corner, nothing much to wish for though, just hopping that the world would be much more safer place to live, no to war, no to terrorism, PEACE... !!!

Happy new year to all of you out there..

cite lawak lagi..

adi.hazman@gmail.com (polaris) — Mon, 19 Dec 2005 17:57:40 +0800

SAM: Kenapa kamu cakap minum susu segar boleh bawa
maut?

DOL: Sebab semalam semasa aku tengah minum, lembu tu
terajang aku. Nasib baik tak
mati.

===================================

SAM: Apasal ko
marah kat tokey kedai 2 Ringgit tu?

DOL: Sebab dia tipu.
Aku beli 3 barang dia mintak 6 ringgit. Kata kedai 2
Ringgit

===================================

SAM: Kau kata
binatang peliharaan kau mati lemas? Mana kau tau dia mati
lemas?
DOL: Sebab aku bela ikan emas. aku jumpa ia mati
dalam air!

===================================

SAM:
Semalam aku nampak hantu!

DOL: Uih! kau terkejut tak?

SAM:
Taklah.... hantu tu yang terkejur tengok aku.

DOL: Mana kau
tahu?

SAM: Aku tengok muka dia pucat
semacam jer....

===================================

SAM:
Apasal kopi yang kau buat ni rasa masin?

DOL: Gula dah
habis!

SAM: Yang kau pergi campur garam apasal?

DOL: Kan aku kata, sebab gula
dah habislah

===================================

SAM: Aku
tengok kau beberapa hari ini "candle
light dinner" dengan bini
kau, mesti dia suka.

DOL: Dia marahlah. Aku lupa nak bayar
bil elektrik, api rumah aku dah kena
potong!

===================================

SAM: Aku ada
AIDS? mana ada...

DOL: Aku baca 1 dari 10 orang kat Negara
ni ada aids. Aku dah tanya 9 orang, semua tak
ada aids, kau orang ke 10, tak payah tanya, aku
dah tahu...

===================================
SAM:Dol,
aku dengar bunyi batuk kau makin teruk!

DOL: Iya ke? kalau macamni
aku kena banyak berlatih agar dapat batuk dengan lebih
baik lagi.

===================================

SAM:
Dah dua kali perompak yang sama datang merompak kedai
kita.

DOL: Tu lah aku dah cakap kat kau, jangan pasang signboard
"SILA DATANG LAGI

Moustapha Akkad

adi.hazman@gmail.com (polaris) — Thu, 17 Nov 2005 08:55:29 +0800

i believed many of you might have watch "The Lion of The Dessert", it's a great movie about a muslim warrior, sadly the director and the producer of that movie has died in the recent Amman, Jordon bombing. His name is Moustapha Akkad, before "The Lion of The Dessert" he has produced/directed "The Message", it about the life of Prophet Muhammad, He is also the producer of all eight "Halloween" movies.

It's a sad lost for someone who is gifted and might change the world view of Islam in a positive way, "He wanted to establish an Arab cinema production company to make big productions about Arab history and historical figures." Former Jordanian Prime Minister, Tahir Masry.

Sources:
http://www.lukeford.net/profiles/profiles/moustapha_akkad.htm
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20051111/ap_en_mo/obit_akkad